IN THE DARK

     Said by a character:
     "I have lived twice as fully, loved a hundred times too much. Gulped the beauty from the world like an oyster. Just to prove I am worth more than the worst thing I ever did. But at night, in the relentless dark, when I am completely alone, that worst thing is still the only thing."
     Think about that statement. Think about what it means to us as we evaluate our lives as we lie there in the dark contemplating the day, the week, the month and the lifetime worth and value of it all. And then we know the truth of that statement, for the nightime, the dark, are the times when the bottom line is drawn and evaluated.
     Thus one can say that the dark actually sheds light upon us all, and it is something one cannot avoid, particularly as we age or as we come upon special moments or times in our lives and the life of the world. I know it is in the dark on those sleepless nights when past misdeeds or recriminations come to mind, race through the mind, and often become bigger than they really are. How badly did I hurt those feelings? How mean was I? Did I raise the kids right? Did I get through to all my students and if not, why? Should I have made different decisions on key issues? Did I value things properly? (Sorry, no juicy stuff as the theft of a comic book in third grade and a forced return and confession is the closest I come to criminal activity!)
     But one need not be a criminal to judge oneself harshly. The language we use, the beliefs we supported, the people we backed, the impact our decisions made on others - all these can keep one up at night.
     So I wonder. I think and imagine all those people staring into the night, with unblinking owlish eyes, wondering about what it is they have done? What have they wrought? What will it take for them to admit their concerns and regrets in public or at least fix it as best they can or will false pride continue to hamper them?
     A prime principle of the Jewish belief is that we are supposed to leave this world all the better somehow for our having been in it, for however long or short time that we are. We are to "fix, repair, the world" or Tikkun Olam in the original Hebrew. It is an awesome responsibility and directive and one not always met to complete satisfaction, but one is bound to  make that effort. It is during those night time periods of darkness that we wonder if we have indeed done that.
     Imagine now that same  man who walks around or stands there with his arms crossed over his chest, challenging all to defy him, with his chin uplifted in that same oh, yeah, attitude, eyes squinting, and small mouth pursed with the effort of coming out with another barbed comment, another negative statement meant to hurt someone, to poke fun at someone.
    I wonder how he sleeps at night. What does he think about? What is revolving in that tiny, barbaric, hostile, limited mind? Does he even realize what he has done - to others and to this country and the world in general? Does he even care?
      I already feel the waves of hostility being beamed at me by his defenders. So just listen, or rather, read and think. Evangelicals are finally beginning to wake up and realize that this man should not be their chosen candidate. They are particularly enraged by his use of "goddamn" in his speeches and comments. Whoa!! To most of us that is quite mild, not a true expletive, but okay, give them their due. Yet, I wonder. This is their concern? His misogynism. His treatment of his various wives and his extramarital affairs while wedded. His nasty comments re others - rapist, murderers, agreeing to shoot them as a possibility, turning the tables on regulations meant to fix the world, his reignition of the Cold War with a hot trigger, his brutality and nastiness to other leaders of the world, his ignorance, and his sheer arrogance in thinking he has the answers, such as his making party girl Ivanka into a major diplomatic emissary and policy maker! Goddamn? Is this what keeps their eyes open in the dark? I will accept that if they then take steps to fix the world. Face the truth and act upon it. 
     Fat cats have benefitted greatly from his economic policies, ones that are meant to benefit them and their companies and screw the regular people. Do they lie awake at night thinking about the people they have stepped on as they climbed the ladder and to exactly where and what have they climbed? Do they think of the cancer cluster fo children where environmental safeguards have been cancelled? Do they think of the food insecurity of the workers whose wages have not changed in years, their buying power diminished? In particular, what do they think about now, these past few weeks, as the market has tanked, has ridden a wild bucking horse, and the bond market screaming about a recession, as the bears march in triumph down Wall Street. Do they feel any guilt? Do they feel an inner urge to fix the world they have cheated and wronged? I wonder.
     The worst, for me, is the thought about those who join in on the raids, on the mistreatment, on the abuse and contempt for illegal immigrants, as they are hunted like prey, dragged from their homes and places of work, from their businesses. From their children. And the abuse of these very children, the ones taken into custody and imprisoned - for that is what happens to them - how do these people sleep at night. Even as a poll shows that 72% of Americans want these people left alone, given a path to citizenship, accept their roles in our society, accept these new Americans to be and their American children. How do these people sleep? How? Do they imagine themselves outfitted in spanking brand new uniforms of brown or black, cross belts gleaming, golden brass insignia twinkling in the lights, their big brave actions as they drag people away? How do they sleep? How do they close their eyes at night, in the dark, alone, with the truth of their actions hitting them right on and in the head?
     I wonder if one can shut down the guilty feelings, learn to close eyes and minds against the accusations of their souls? I wonder how they do it? I really do. And if they do think of them, then how do they turn it off, continue in their crooked and harmful ways, paths which deconstruct the world rather than fix it.
     "The worst thing is the only thing." How bad does the 'worst' thing have to be before it truly hits hard in that lonely dark? How bad does it have to be before it breaks one's heart and forces rethinking of one's life? Wish I knew, for there are so many that need to be awake in the dark, pondering their 'worst thing' and wondering how to fix it all.