No, it certainly is not easy being green or anything that resembles green in a social context. Yet so many of us must be green at some point or another in our lives,the condition being of short or long duration. Many times being green is not our choice, but rather one imposed on us by factors out of our control.
This weekend I felt green. I felt out of place, or rather I was not quite sure of what my place is anymore in the scheme of things. Those of you cursed by insomnia, whatever the cause or causes, will understand when I say that it all began with a total shutdown due to exhaustion. There is only so much time that a body can go without sleep and I hit that point Friday morning. After dragging myself to a followup surgery appointment I came home and collapsed. I believe that until around 1 PM on Saturday I dozed and slept to the exclusion of all else, having read perhaps a total of 20 pages during that time and it was a good book too!
It is difficult to realize and accept that one's place in life has changed. Getting reassured that I will be taken care of as a condition worsens is great, but not really! Being reassured that I look great - well, what does that mean? Should my outside appearance be allowed to show inner changes, the loss of mobility being allowed to come through at all times rather than fight it?
What does one do when something inevitable is chugging along down the road toward voyage's end and there is nothing that can be done? Oh, one can exercise. One can try to keep an up mood, engage in social life, keep the brain working, take medications and try not to turn pale at the possible side effects, but it is all a slowing down of inevitability, is it not?
I feel green. Not the color, but the affects and effects of being that different color, that different being, other than I once was. My support is great - family, friends, and Gerry has really stepped up to the plate, but it is all off somehow. I feel different. I know I am different. Some of it is for the good, for I have learned truly, not to sweat the little things. I have learned that a phone conversation several times a day with my kids is truly a wonderful thing to have and not to take it for granted - and thank G-d the kids and the grandkids are great, but I still feel green. I still know what is coming down the pike.
Many of us at this stage of the game begin to feel green. Take an overall physical or evaluation, be asked to do certain physical tasks, as far as you can do or go, and suddenly it is all there, right on the plate in front of you, all numbered, all put together and the outcome? Well, you know that old song, the one about the mare - well, mare or steed, the effect is the same. We are all beginning to turn green and the next step is to learn how to handle it. Hmmm, wonder how that good old boy in the WH feels as he turns ever more green and sneaks off to secret "annual" physicals, phase one! Sorry, could not stop my fingers from typing that.
It is not a comfortable feeling, being green. We have all had moments during our lifetimes when we had that same feeling. Walking into a new classroom or social situation. Getting a promotion or taking on a new and more responsible job. Having different beliefs from friends. Trying to navigate seemingly unsolvable situations. Aging. Dealing with disasters, physical, emotional whatever. All are 'green' situations.
The funny thing is, at times I like feeling green. It seems kind of settled and actually is somewhat liberating. No more shows. No more worries about what to do or when or how. Just do it. Just do it. Live for the day, the moment and not to worry anymore about the longer term for that is out of one's hands. To be green could have some not so green good benefits.
No, it is not so easy being green, especially when one totes up life. One worries about the condition of the world we are leaving for others to follow - if they will be able to. We worry about our legacy. Have we taught the kids the right way. Have they turned out as we wished them to be - happy, healthy, morally sound, knowing what is important - in other words, to be good people at the end of it all. We look at our next two, and even third generation and smile. They are coming along, value family and friends, know what is the right thing to do.
As for me, the rat race is done. There are only friends and family. There are only good things left to enjoy as the 'greening' continues. I become ever more comfortable being green, despite some down moments. But I know where to go for 'interior decoration' advice, shall we say and I know now what goes well with green. So to hell with everything else and off we go, to a movie, a short walk, a show we taped, a lecture, a blog, good music, or a good book awaiting me to turn its pages or even just a simple sitting around conversation about everything and anything. And a reassuring hug never hurts.
No, it is not easy being green. But I also remember that some of the greatest beings, minds, thinkers, were and are also green at times. So I will join the crowd and every day I add my two cents worth via my blog, and every day try to do some good for someone as the day goes on. Even cracking a joke and getting a smile is good - for both sides of that interaction. Being green is not so bad after all. Just ask me and Kermit.
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