STUFF

  Of late, it has become the fashion to denigrate "stuff", the physical possessions we surround ourselves with. The physical items which take up so much room and so much energy. This is the 'stuff' which the elderly are increasingly being depicted as troubled about, wondering what will happen to their 'stuff'.  Who will care for it? Will they feel burdened by the task of final destination of and for all that 'stuff'. The who and the why of the 'stuff'. All entangled in one big, enormous emotional mass.

Today, on POV on PBS there is a most wonderful presentation re stuff. It is the story of one woman dealing with her mother's stuff of life, perhaps the hidden treasures or the accumulation of nonsensical faded memories which have no connection to her life. To keep or not? To examine or not? How to manage the guilt of disposal? Do we equate disposal of said 'stuff' to callous disposal of the parent whose stuff it was? What do we do and how do we feel about it?

But first, what is stuff? It is the physical reminders, of a life once vibrant, alive with interests and opinions. It is a past to be held close so as to maneuver through the present and future in a more sure-footed manner. Or it is junk. Who cares for that old stuff or the miniature animals or the collection of Judaica of old. After all, there are modern versions, sleeker, more appealing in looks, and on and on. The excuses grow. Where to put it, store it, distribute it, make final decisions, call in a disposal company or seek the advice of an estate manager? And who wants this burden in the first place!! Do we get angry with our parents for dying and leaving us, adding to the burden with the rather overwhelming task of 'stuff'? Why was all this collected anyway?

So, stuff. No, not merely items coveted by the collector. These are items of interest, of culture, of tradition, of recognition of beauty and value. Without these collections of 'stuff' the glories and disgraces of the past would be gone, into a mist, and the loss will be ours, unable to be compensated as to that very substantial loss. Full disclosure - I am a collector of stuff'? 

These collections vary, ranging from the holy to the secular, from the more important to the seemingly trivial. From Judaica, of which we once had much, much, more, to butter mold variations, a collection of food choppers and the ingenuity of the early ones, testimony to American brains and determination. Traditional rite items such as seder plates from England in the 1800's, a style and topic of artwork, and books galore. Not only paperbacks, but rare ones, expensive ones, ancient and antique, well used, a gathering of tears at the sight of holy books of the millennia juxtaposed against the many shelves of Holocaust related literature, fiction and nonfiction. The collection of novels, literature, taught and annotated by me, items too precious for me to discard, lent to the kids as they studied these same books, and now what? To the dust heap, to a recycling factory or to be kept on a shelf for another generation studying new and old classics?

The choices are many. The decisions are difficult. How to discard items that actually are part of family history, of pieces of the souls and hearts of deceased family. How to decide fairly, how to know, just know, what is better - monetary value or the emotional package of another, perhaps less striking item. What about all the stuff!!! 

It is a delicate topic between parent and child, even involving older grandchildren. In what way can we effectively pass on who we are, who we were, via this 'stuff' of our lives? Do we distribute now or discard now? Can we avoid arguments after we are gone, avoid the acidic accusations when there are material disagreements? Even as we recognize the problem, even as we actually shed some of the stuff, there is much we cannot do. Some are too meaningful to us, while others are less so, but of newer interest, still very much relevant to us, even as we develop new interests thanks to COVID!  My paintings or wood creations? Should I even care, simply enjoy them and their making now and who cares for later? Do we donate, and then watch as that same doorway also is the ingress of new items that caught an eye, tickled the fancy and interest, or was exactly what one had been looking for. How to walk away from a true find? How?

I am looking forward to the show tonite, complete with laughter and tears. I am one of those elderly parents who will definitely be leaving behind the accumulations of our life together, of my own mementoes, my own stuff from my parents. I will try to pass on the loss felt through my life after signing so much away after a parent's death. One does not realize how deep and tight are the memories attached to 'stuff'. So, yes, while stuff is overrated at times, it is also valuable, definitely integral to a smoother transition from past to present to future.

I am proud of my 'stuff'. So is my partner in crime! We hope that the kids understand and are already encouraging raids on our stuff, to join the stuff they already have in their respective homes.

Stuff is the gossamer strings of the web which binds us all together. It is firm yet flexible, allowing for growth, for evaluation, for change and for understanding. Such is the stuff of life.