NOT SURE, ACTUALLY

 I passed a mirror yesterday and got a glimpse of an older woman, looking just like me! Surprise! It was me, but actually, at the moment of sight I thought I was my mother, and then thought, "how appropriate". My mother was always telling me to think things out, be sure, act carefully and not on impulse. Well, I took up that advice many times, but others, well, suffice it to say I am still not the always obedient daughter!!  

During this time of ongoing, ever-growing crises for Jews, for the State of Israel and a rapidly changing America, I, in fact, everyone, must reexamine the internal self and be very honest in that reassessment. Mind you, take on only the truly important here, not the minor deeds or misdeeds that are not of first-class importance.              

Today's atmosphere envelops all that come into touch with it. Even if wishing to ignore reality, it is almost impossible as the media so intrudes upon our lives. Not necessarily a bad thing, for in these desperate times, the worst of times as per Dickens, one must be aware, more so than ever before. In my own case, I have been thinking and rethinking   heretofore sacrosanct thoughts and foundations in my personal life. It is not pleasant, nor are the circumstances driving the reevaluation.     

Some of the conclusions reached frighten me. Others I know are more influenced by the challenges of these times and events, but in the long run, they will remain strong. Just wish I knew when the long run begins. My impatience, my angst, my daily, sometimes hourly challenges to these beliefs are difficult to truly fathom and bear as they eat away at my soul. 

Certainly not happy with the world today, nor its driving force, the One Above, nor the creations roaming the world, I must be honest even if some security within my life is damaged, sprung a leak or two, some minor, some major. In fact, in some ways I am rechanneling a past me, the somewhat naive, hopeful, idealistic persona, willing to have faith in the intrinsic goodness of people. Almost College Philo 2.0, though colored by more life experience than the earlier life of Philo. 1.0. And a resounding bah, humbug! to that. Innately cowardly, I guess, I tried to evade this evaluation, but nevertheless, it forced its way on to me; the bullet had to be bit. 

Thus, the eternal question: G-d. Deep thinking on that now, a belief once automatic, now highly challenged. The fierce arguments returning, all of us so sure in our viewpoints. If there indeed is one, some Power, then what is the role played on earth, with us? Has this Power lost interest in us? Has it grown indifferent, the head and heart, the ears, eyes and soul turned away, perhaps in an effort to remain calm, shedding the anger and urge to have done with it all? If so, then why worship such an angry or intolerant nonunderstanding unsympathetic or indifferent figure who has cut the link between us, to sink or swim by ourselves. Perhaps a test if we are worthy of attention, worthy of yet another chance, another rescue from the crumbling edge. Perhaps. Perhaps not? 

These days, these questions cut deep within my soul, needing so desperately to believe, that there is in fact, a caring, compassionate Power up there, out there, who cares, but in such a manner as to prove unfathomable to me, even distasteful, causing me great anger and unhappiness. More important, the grief of others, personally, and worldly, frightened at the evil rise of hatred, again, never ever dying off. Are we never to be freed of that iron chain round our necks, that existential threat too often proving itself alive and well in an already dangerously ill world?

The Pentecostal belief states that there is an Evil vs Good battle, for real, not in general, philosophic terms, but in reality. These two forces battle for our souls right here on earth. An interesting thought but then, do our actions even carry some importance, some necessity? If someone else is championing me, then I can loaf around, put in a good deed   every so often and refrain from truly Evil acts.  Would that I thought so but no, I believe that each individual is responsible for him/her self, and for teaching the right way to the younger generations. Simple, but quite a heavy load to bear. I do deeply believe that there is indeed Evil, and people who buy 100% into that Evil. We need that Evil if we are to distinguish it from Good, for Evil comes in all sizes, all disguises, all personally designed temptations. 

So, while I scream at G-d, while I demand He improve the situations, I also know, and cannot avoid the fact, the innate belief, that Man is responsible for Man. Not G-d. If G-d intervenes, after a great importuning as we now are in the midst of, with Yitzy, my Yitzy, a situation causing constant tears, anguish beyond comprehension, that interference is an extra gift. What we do not know is whether that interference will be positive or negative in our understandings. We all are praying, hoping, pleading but the final decision is not with the earthly doctors, but with the doctor of the world. To explain negative responses is impossible, ours to accept as divine in order and one day, maybe, just maybe, we will understand and forgive. Maybe.

In the meanwhile, my job here on earth is to awaken some to reality, to rail at G-d, shake my fist, dare him to remember His people, so put upon, so desperately in need of divine intervention. Demand an answer as to why Evil has been allowed to grow so fiercely. Surely, as parent to child, one can reach out and rescue a child in existential danger. As we stare obsessively into our screens, seeking word of the hostages, or the successes of our brave soldiers, we must wonder why this is happening. Why are beasts in human form allowed to wage war upon babies and the elderly? Why is this not recognized as such by the world at large and not 'explained and justified'.  

So yes, my belief is there, albeit changed somewhat, challenged, shallower yet deeper. To be a Jew is to be consigned to a difficult world, at times frightening. We must do our best to improve this world for all, and in doing so, we make it better for ourselves. 

And we hope and pray for an answer, a good one, a hopeful one.

Why and why and why. 

Anger and more anger.

Worry. Love.

 So, I plead and pray.

And beg.

Please join with us and raise your voice as we ask for healing. Please. Please.

Answer the pleas of so many, now multiplied by so many, so much. Heal our Yitzy, our so sweet treasure. We need him more than You. 

 HEAL, CURE YITZY

YITZCHOK ELIMELECH BEN CHANA SARAH

DEAR G-D, I PLEAD WITH YOU.

HEAR US.