A while ago I began a journey of rediscovery, of redefinition. This journey has been interrupted along the way by pressure of outside activities and news which reflected and impacted upon that same journey. It is difficult enough to be honest with oneself when soul searching; moreso, in such times as we live in today. It is nigh unto impossible to separate the outside from the inside; thus, in this journey of self we never finish redefinition. It must be understood that no man (women) is an island and nothing and no one can remain isolated from all else unless locked in an impermeable space and even that impels another reality and so it goes.
I wonder who I was and who I am as a Jewish woman of rather senior age living in turbulent times, with no assurance that the current upside down inside out condition of the world will ever revert to former more sane times - if ever there were such times - or were they figments of my imagination and or ignorance, so immersed was I in my own private, smaller universe of family, friends and work?
Into that world bits and pieces of the outside world would at times pierce the border, but they were more likely to be shoved aside after brief contemplation than held up to the light for a deeper inspection and evaluation. There simply appeared to be no time for anything else as life within those borders demanded a focused concentration on themselves, and frankly, in a sane world, that is the way it should be.
However unfortunately real life today demands otherwise, forcing a closer acquaintance and understanding of the larger world and its ups and downs. All seem to be far more intertwined, tightly, closely and the impacts of one world upon the other cannot be denied nor ignored. The tenor of the times allows us no recourse; hence any understanding of myself must at least include a modicum of integration of the outer world with my inner world, confusing as that might be for me and for others as well.
We begin to understand that there is, in fact, something out there far larger than the four walls of our universe. Home segues into the inclusion of school. School segues into the inclusion of people outside the family's world. Outside influences bring that frightening new world into one's individual world. One finally begins to accept the fact that this larger outer world affects our small and more personal one, and if we do not understand or attempt to deny the connection, we will struggle and stumble far more often and far more consequentially.
Much of our lives, our thoughts, understandings and concepts are driven by our home environments, handed to us by our parents. Our observance as such is directly impacted by how and if we view our debt to our parents, even how we honor them by doing so. Knowing that others in your world are doing the same provides one with a comforting blanket, so to speak. It gives structure and rhythm to one's life, a sense of belonging, a link in a long chain.
I understand all that. I internalized all that. I appreciate all that. However, more so of late, I began to wonder. Why must there be so many rules involved in religion, in the acceptance of a Being far more powerful than you or I. Why must there be so many levels of separation between one's own heart and the Lord worshipped? Why can't we at least make room for some changes which do not impact negatively in the larger concept? Is it so terrible if a person feels that tie ever so much deeper, when having a private conversation with the Lord, or makes a prayer of one's heart and soul rather than chant almost robotically the words of prayer known by heart, requiring no concentration.
Many of us do need to remain balanced and grounded in turbulent times and this structure of a nonchanging liturgy helps us in that way. But perhaps we need to make more room for both in a smooth, interwoven manner. I don't know. This is way above my pay grade, but I do know what works for me. I know what I think, what I feel, what I hope, what I believe and what I wish. Is it of any importance- not a clue, at least, maybe not to the outside world, but to my inner world it certainly carries much impact.
I cannot see why the words of another should or would carry more impact for me than the words of my own mind. While I appreciate the historical background of many of the prayers, a history which we must remember for always, I also know my history and its input into the creation of prayers individualized for me, for my soul, for my heart, anchoring me to my people, to my history, to my life, to myself, to my G-d.
There are many out there who can and will find words to condemn my thoughts to prove to me whether I like it or not the error of my ways On the other hand, there are equally as many as those who will support me and understand me, even walk along with me as we delve deeper into our souls and then our most innermost words come forth to create, to feel love and prayers which cry out from those souls. No definitive answer - Taku - a Talmudic word meaning unanswered for all eternity or at least that eternity upon the face of this earth
I do know that there is more to say, more than I can explore in the words of a blog posting or two. It cannot of necessity, be confined to religion and faith, it's practice and truth, but also how I relate to and with the secular world. A world often of frightening dimensions and threats, particularly so in our times.
But that is for another day.
I remember and respect the yesterdays of my people.
I pray for better todays,
and I hope fervently for all
the tomorrows to come.
Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.
One and the same. Yet all different.
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