Yesterday was a weird day. I couldn't seem to find a place for myself and so instead of being a planned for restful day, it was a restless day. The entire day conspired in the breeding of a weird day. It was eerily silent in the area, and even when the kids were home, there were very few in the playground or riding scooters or bikes.
Perhaps it was because their dads or moms were rotating back into the Miluim, the reserves, and the uncertainty of life intensified, grayer was the atmosphere as solutions and plans once again lost definition. As the lines of life grew less distinct, not as broad, not as definite, not as sure, as uncertainty became part of the mix. Strangely enough, the quiet outside led to increased noisiness within, as emotions were stirred up, as the gray of life intruded once again.
In any case, the day ended way, way, past my usual bedtime and there I was, outside my window the darkness deep and intense, apartments darkened, yet I was up. Not wide awake, mind you, but up and determined to finish a book, to know the ending, even as I knew there was really no ending as this was the first book of a trilogy The Mistress of Auschwitz, based on a true story and different in a way from other books of this genre.
So, not really an end, and isn't that the way of life. So often we walk through the gray of life hoping to balance between the bright, sunny day, the sun risen, powerful and strong in the sky or its opposite - the darkness of war, of uncertainty, of lack of control over one's own life. Today, this morning, as I continued to look out the window, I actually enjoyed the stillness, hoping it's slow and peaceful dissipation signaled the start of a new day, a good day. Good things would happen. It would be a productive day at day's end. The choice to make it so was, for the most part, up to me. When the view outside was totally clear, beautiful and crisp in its calmness, reassuring, as children and adults went off to their day's roles, my spirits were lifted high and rife with plans for the day.
But then I picked up today's paper and the day darkened. I saw the news about Eden Alexander and his possible rescue within the next 48 hours Here was a boy forced rudely, violently into a manhood he had never anticipated. All because of hate, a violent, vicious, bloodthirsty hate. He and all the other captives had lost their ability to make decisions for themselves save the only one left as to if and how they could and would battle long enough to defy the wishes of their kidnappers and hopefully at day's end of great length they would return to home, to life. Sadly, for too many it wasn't, is never, to be, but I was happy for Eden and his parents, his family. But what about the rest?
Eden's parents are rightfully anticipating this return of a son, so long delayed, but does this release brighten the sky? Does it remove the gray from the lives of so many others? Why this boy and not the others equally as young, equally as shoved into the manhood, into adulthood? What about the rest of the kidnapped, tortured, dying, wishing only to see their loved ones again? What about them? Must we find other political games to ensure their release? Must we pay exorbitant prices in the release of thousands of terrorists to commit mayhem and murder once again? What is the price of their freedom but how can we abandon our people, no matter the cost? Allowing Hamas to remain and regain their power and prepare once again for another massacre? Is that the solution to be forced upon us? Whom do we trust to make these decisions?
The sky darkens as it does when times are tense and difficult decisions must be made which tear people apart. It is a choice of between the devil and the blue sea, a choice between a rock and a hard place that are closing together. Do we trust liars consistent in their adoption of falsehood as part of their armory of weapons? Do we constantly sell our souls in the name of decreasing numbers of hostages released until finally Hamas calls it quits, and they hold tight to their living security? Do we wait multiples of 43 years to repatriate the bodies of heroes? How do we face the bereaved families? In fact, how do we face ourselves and the nation?
Conflicting emotions battle within, sadness and happiness at the same time all coated with an overlay of despair as we do not know an answer or are afraid of the answer. And so, we as individuals, we as a nation, cannot find a balance between the colors of daylight nor the colors of life. Even as we laugh even as we enjoy friends and family always, there is that tinge of gray no matter how much effort we put into not seeing it, nor hearing it.
Exacerbating the problem is the current rankness of leaders around the world. They rival in their corruption. They compete in greediness, and they race for power, not only over their nation, but over other nations. They are openly and widely open for bribery, to wit one luxury jet from Qatar offered to Trump, that champion of corruption and bribery. These false leaders play nasty games and the people within these states pay the price. The reign of these leaders are damaged and damaging, the gray deep, not only outside, but within the souls and hearts of people. Unfortunately, but truthfully, many of these leaders are empowered and raised into these seats of power and control by the inaction and incorrect reactions of the populace.
Once again, we must understand that we allow these corrupted, filthy souls to climb the ladder using our shoulders and our hands to boost themselves up. We believe their lies. We battle for their lies, and we lose our souls and our freedom as a consequence. Most awful of all is that the high cost of this empowerment comes down upon the shoulders and the bodies and minds of the innocent. If this truth escapes you, merely turn your mind to Gaza and understand whom we have left behind and whom we must rescue and bring home. Of whom we have demanded too much, paid for in death and wounds and whom we have allowed to skate by and why. The answers are ugly indeed.
Both my nations, America and Israel, have leaders who are not representative of the best of the nation. We have been better, much better, but we have strongly erred in our choices too often and the consequences pile up. I think we did as Israelites did too often so many millennia ago. We began to worship the wrong gods, those of material success, of prestige and recognition, blown way beyond where they should be. We forgot the capacity of humans and neglected the true goals at which we should aim. Too much of the faulty new smothered the true values with powerful hues of gray and we got too comfortable. Too forgetful, too engaged in ignorance and purposeful ignoring of truth.
We refused to remember, to remind ourselves, that when it is bad for the Jews, it is good for the Jews. When it is good for the Jews, it is bad for the Jews. We cannot seem to find the balance in remembering who we are and how others see us. Along with our material success and our contributions to society, for whatever reason and many have tried to explain it, when we forget who we are at base and bottom and middle and at top, we lose our coherence and unity. We fight amongst ourselves and present haters with an achievable and welcome target. And aim they do. We over value and trust an apparent welcome and we are so wrong. We lose much of the acceptance and then finally, we lose more than that. So history has taught us, even if we have not caught what was taught.
Our yesterdays are of all colors, dark and gray and light.
Our todays must reflect that, be attuned to that.
Our tomorrows will exist only if we are aware and true to the truths of the above.
As usual, it is up to us. It is up to us to not allow the situations of Eden and the remaining hostages, of those released and those who are dead.
It is a must to see the truth and accept it, as unpleasant as it might be.
It is up to us to take the right path, to make the right choices.
Us. Nobody else.
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