DRAINED

 I have just spent two hours composing a response to a posting on Facebook. That response drained me. It forced me to think about things I would rather not think about but evidently these thoughts must be addressed, one way or another. One can run, one can hide, but not forever. Bills come due and payment must be remitted No matter how unpleasant or unwelcome. 

 On the bright side, I can indubitably find a topic, something that has been on my mind of late. And so it has once again. During these rough times of the world, in particular those times that definitely include me and mine, I have determined or found something which reassures me. I have found, or   rebased, reenforced a sense of faith, a trust that no matter how difficult I find it to understand, there are reasons behind events. 

These events often come with a heavy toll. It is difficult during such times to fully accept, not understand, but to accept.  What to accept? That there is something behind occurring events. One might not be able to say, "gam zu l'tovah", this too is for the better (the best), certainly not when the hurt is still fresh, still suffused with blood, but given time, the possibility is there. To accept, hard as it might be, though not yet to understand, if ever, acceptance which allows for some peace for a troubled soul and a broken heart. However, confusion persists, for acceptance is difficult and is ever ready to challenge the Fates, the Lord, whatever Being one calls his Lord. 

Every challenge of fist thrown up to the heavens is a demand for explanatory words with a possibility of acceptable, at least for the moment.  But always beneath it all the wound remains deep open, bleeding, weeping. At the same time, somewhere in the back of your mind, is stored the mighty grievances lodged against the Lord and the knowledge, the instinctual knowing, that understanding may never arise, even to the minimum standard. These missing in action understandings require a great faith, one based on trust.

 It is a difficult Rubicon to pass, almost impossible at times and yet it gives one a comfort otherwise denied. It can engender a sense of peace when the unbearable is softened to a level of pain and anger, of grief and confusion, to one where acceptance and perhaps even a modicum of understanding can begin. The major ingredient without which nothing will grow is faith Even a weak and challenged faith, at least an opening through which acceptance and the power and might of faith could flow and overtake the speed of despair. A great challenge, not always successful.

 But think not that even with a restrengthened and reinforced faith that there is total acceptance without question or doubt. With no resentment of the package sent to weigh upon shoulders, especially those neither equipped nor prepared for such burdens. Humans were created with a great sense of entitlement in the world, able and allowed the privilege of challenge, even of the mightiest authority. The human race is the gold medal winner in the field of challenge, going up against the words of others all the way through to the promises of the highest authority, the Creator Himself, raging at that which displeases them, even unto the deeds of G-d. challenging the deeds of God, for too many times it is so very difficult to understand the why and the wherefore and to accept it without that crucial understanding. How much good can there be in the death of a newborn, in the death of his mother in the face of random attacks of terror, of slaughter. 

We are all G-d's creations, and generally people will concede there is some Being, some Power out there that at the very least has set things in motion. Call that power by whatever name, by whatever title, it does imply an understanding that this world is not happenstance, that this world, crazed as it is, has a reasoning behind it. Yet, with such power to create a world, to fill it with beauty, why would such a power allow the negative and the evil, for the worst emotions and traits mankind can possess. Therein lies the lack of understanding and acceptance.  

 Much of the time, most of the time, we either hear an answer or do not accept silence as the answer. We think that if we took the time to pray, we should be granted that for which we have prayed. No is not acceptable nor understood and here begins the crises of faith. When things go well, we thank the Lord along with a rather large heaping of self-pride. When things turn in the wrong direction we lay it at the feet of G-d and demand reparations and recompense, a salvaging of what we lost and even better, for surely, we deserve better. Or so we think. So we reassure ourselves. And when it does not happen, we have a crisis of the soul. We must then engage in honest and thorough self-examination if we are to understand and accept anything of the reality we face.             

It is really hard to accept  that we have failed, at something we never should have failed at, or lost the skill we had, or face some physical complication. Or lose a loved one, especially if greatly so out of alignment of what should be. It is then that we feel G-d has deserted us, forsaken us in our moment of need and we wonder why, why should we continue in any faith at all? Why have any faith in this Lord G-d who abandoned us seemingly so many times, or who has not blessed us enough, or so we feel. Or so we think.

 None of us, or at least most of us, do not think that perhaps as bad as the situation is, it could be worse if not for the guiding hand of the Lord above. He leads us through to safer grounds, though the least evil of pathways, marching with us, until we emerge from the travails of our journey, home safe and perhaps wiser. 

Sometimes we must accept an answer given in silence. At times we must feel His presence with us, close, as we navigate treacherous passages through life. Perhaps it is better that we hear only silence for that is a better answer than one received from a G-d tired of being questioned, tired of being spurned, tired of a disloyal always challenging, difficult People. Can't even blame Him for all one has to do to understand His frustration is to pick up any of the holy books of the Jewish people and see how often we have challenged; we have fallen and how many times G-d has returned to us. No matter how far we had strayed, how deep the level of our depravity, He always returned and will always do so, for His Word and Promises are Eternal.  

On a more personal note, I too have many, many times lacked understanding of why things happened. I assumed someday I would understand until we came to a very rough patch of life.  Hurt.  Confusion. Even despair at times.  Yet we came through and always, always there was the why. What was the purpose of this? What did we gain as human beings from this? Why and why and why? No answer forthcoming. And then came a time of light, for I understood why this experience? Even as it then boded ill, it now bodes well, has resulted in much good, and even tightened the bonds of family at the same time.     

Tough lessons, meaningful, understood, but still, challenging.  I have achieved a higher level of understanding but not yet on some. Maybe, maybe one day I will understand. But not yet.  Too hard.       

My faith remains, strong in the embrace of all our   yesterdays of our nation and of my life. For the todays lived without overwhelming fear. And for the tomorrows which we hope will trend better than they do at present. For the Hakarot Hatov,   recognition and appreciation of good done for me, by so many, and by Hashem Himself.

Please note that due to a holiday  there will be no new posting on Monday. Please take the time to read postings you might have missed.

Thank you. Be safe.