ON BEING TIRED

  I am tired. So very tired. Beyond the point of weary. Beyond the point of anger. Just tired.

Some of this condition has a physical reason behind it. Number One. Despite the fact that my children dispute this statement. I am old. I am old with some chronic conditions. A drain on one physically, as there is a constant state of watchfulness. What am I eating? What am I doing? How am I exercising? Do I do enough exercise? Why is the monitor reading this number? Why isn't it that way? Maybe I am doing too much exercise. Maybe I need to cut those hours down. Slow down a bit. I don't know. And in the not knowing and the fulfillment of the tasks I must do during those hours there is a great round circle of just being tired. Just being tired.

Number Two. Hours of sleep are limited. Not because we are puttering around till late hours, but because sleep loves to elude me. It is that very rare night that I can sleep through. Most of the time if I get 4 hours of continued sleep, that is a good night. The rest of the hours are a series of catnaps till blog time and perhaps a nap during the day - if not at therapy! 

Even so, I know I will continue. Take all those exercises. All those hours. In rehab. Physical and occupational. Of paying strict attention to my voice and my swallowing. Because the cost to do it independently adds up over a very short time. If one cannot do it over Medicare, private demands a lot of money. Which, incidentally, I don't have at the present time. So, I am mindful of and for myself. I know my voice is getting hoarser, quieter. People sometimes ask me to repeat myself. Me. I was able to raise a voice loud enough to quiet a schoolyard. Ironic.

But there is another tired. One seemingly, that never goes away, that never will go away. And even when it has attempted to be discarded someone always manages to pluck it right out of that trash and run with it. They run far and deep. They send the football pass to one ready to catch it and carry it deeper. Then to pass it, and others like it to the many who stand ready to catch it. 

In fact, many others fighting this ugly game of hate have tried to catch it, bury it, even destroy it for once and for all time.  However, this football roams the air of society, dripping its toxic hate and the fight is never over. Never. It multiplies at the speed of sound. In number and viciousness. The energy, physical, mental, emotional needed to combat this, well, it drains very quickly. It is yet another state of constant watchfulness. It is a state of comparing what happens today or what is planned for tomorrow. Does it match yesterday? Is it getting worse? Is it staying the same? Has it always been like this? Or is it getting worse? Is it a case of more information flowing our way, giving the appearance of being more? Or a case of indeed ramped up to heightened condition and we are indeed called upon to watch and act. Not merely to react, but to pre-act. To be proactive. Perhaps if we do this carefully, we might actually be able to dampen the enthusiasm of these hatemongers, to those vending hate, JewHatred, to all wishing to buy in, to get in on the "fun" of it all. 

This hatred is toxic. But it is even more wearisome. Tiresome. Able to smother sparks of hopefulness. When even mainstream media buys into it. When they all get into the wagon of yellow journalism, join in the fray, one cannot pull wool, hats, towels, whatever, around the heightened nerves of fear jangling in your mind. No more. In the words of one who deals with antisemitism and contributed an article for The New York Times, titled. Antisemitism Moves Into the Political Mainstream", read and feel the shivers down your spine.    

What is next? Propaganda pictures of Jews. Doing wrong. wallowing in putrid acts. Whatever wrong can be thought of. More intense separation? No allowing for any creative activity. For any writings of thought. To dampen their economic wellbeing. Curtailing ownership of businesses. Of practices. 

When is next? It seems to me that we already are well on that way. Jewish bands, Jewish actors, booted off stages and performance venues.  Or have their acts canceled. Due to the fear of the venue owners. This is not a description of outliers. Of sick people. No, this is instead the experience and consequences of filth that comes from those who are sure they are welcome. Who are no longer waiting off stage, no longer afraid to declare their hatred. 

When the man running for mayor of New York City, one of the most Jewish metropolitan areas in the world, is an openly stated anti-Jewish character. Who says he does not support the statement of "global intifada ' but somehow manages to bring it up every time he is interviewed and refuses to condemn this trope of hate and extermination of Jewry. And now, where do we go from here? Where? Is there anywhere other than Israel, that state deemed illegitimate. Where?   

It is ironic indeed when the earnings of the Superman movies have been withheld from him.  When the current Superman is a Jewish actor.     It brings us back to his words. He said, “I brought Superman out of my own heart. I hope people remember that after I'm gone." It mirrors the millennia long theft of Jewish assets, ideas and creations. It is the voice of a Thomas Friedman in one of his pieces something of sense.  of acknowledgment that yes, he's a Jew. 

On the other hand, you have a Ross Douthat who   pretends that he is pro-Israel. Explained sensibly every single reason, every single misdeed Israel is accused of. And then turns the whole thing on its head and proclaims the war unjust. No, survival is not unjust. As one writer puts it, "We are exhausted. But we endure. We have to. Our children are watching. Our children are watching."

 Hopefully they will be able to see the events of this decade with clearer eyes, better vision, for it is for them we must do our best. It is Antisemitism when the State of Israel is deemed illegitimate. It is so when people advocate in loud voice to exterminate all Zionists, effectively meaning all Jews.  It is when Jewish communities round the world are attacked, people slain, burned. Jews who now must stand guard on institutions of the community, to prevent another Oct7.  Why is this so? Why must it be assumed that this antagonistic meme of hatred is justified for whatever sick reasons very sick people gin up. Why must it be so? 

When a Holocaust survivor who worked the rest of her life as a therapist for troubled souls, is driven to say not to be surprised by any of this ugliness for "There is always someone out to get you. Deal with it."

I, and many others, are tired of 'dealing' with it.

I am tired,

 I. Am. Tired.

I AM VERY TIRED.

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.

So very, very tired.