Sounds confusing does it not? However, read the following lines I came across yesterday and see if you can get my point.
“It is not what they built. It is what they knocked down.
"It is not the houses. It is the spaces in between the houses.
It is not the streets that exist. It is the streets that no longer exist.
It is not your memories which haunt you." (James Fenton, " A German Requiem")
It is easier for the eye to see what is there, able to be touched, able to be negotiated, able to be seen and recognized as real. However, it is often easier or perhaps more difficult, in a way, for the mind's eye to see what is not there, most definitely should be there, but is simply not. Its lack of visibility, of a physicality is disturbing. It is confusing, for the one eye sees it there or sees it not, and the physical eye is contradicting that vision, sending a message to the brain that only what is there - is there, and what is not there is not to be seen, not to be photo-shopped by a malfunction of a different vision.
Memories are aroused and the vision created by the mind's eye overcomes all other vision. They are not always of the most pleasant sort, but it is not the memory of what was; rather it is the memory of what is not now, though much of the time we so wish it was an actuality rather than a trick of the mind, of the want it to be rather than the brutal what is. The contrast, the conflict between these two visions of two different eyes creates a confusing and often painful situation and there is nothing to do to avoid these conflicting memories particularly at trigger times.
The only hope is that time, while not erasing these visions, softens it somewhat and the ache eases a bit. The conflicting visions and the emotions they arouse become more palatable, even welcome in some cases, for the memories can retain that which we do not see any more, cannot touch anymore, but remain with us in the mind, in the memory bank, keeping it fresh and vivid, real to the ear and the heart, and always with us.
When we page through photo albums or the plethora of online pictures, we often come to a dead stop. It is when we reach the place where suddenly there is a change, a big change, an unwanted and unexpected and/or denied change that shifts the balance of all future photos and videos. That change is the absence of something that should be there, was always assumed to be there, but no more. It can be a childhood home gone or some other tangible item, but those are more sentimental than of anguish, unless resulting from a tragedy, the memories of which are highly disturbing. However, even then, along with the sad and tragic memories, as we look upon settings and people no longer here, some sentimentality enters the frame and the mind's eye sees and hears the voices, the smiles, the laughter and the love attached to these trigger memories.
The most difficult mind's eye visions are those which come unexpectedly, with little to no lead time warning, of time to prepare, and the resultant shock rips the wound open again, brutally. Suddenly, into this happy time of recalling vacations, family events, good friends, good times, there is the shock that suddenly something is missing, will always be missing. What should be included is not. It is so blatantly missing, not there, the space empty which should have been occupied. But that is no longer, never to be so again even as that glaring absence, that empty space, becomes filled with what our mind's eye photoshops into it.
We refuse to accept the reality of what it is not there. That "What is not there” will always be there for us, in the vision we impose into where it should be, should always and forever have been. That vision of what should have been will never fade, as it grabs our hearts and calls upon our mind's eye vision and we see the missing, the smile, hear the voice, feel the arms around you and your arms around him, as real as ever.
But yet not so, for what was, what should have been, is no longer possible. That empty space is to remain empty space. Unless we - and we will - insist on slapping that missing piece right back into the place where it needs to be. Denying the reality that we have lived with. Three years from diagnosis, two years gone.
Now we see what is not there, yet is there, and always will be there. Consistent. Never changing. Ever to be our boy, forever to be our missing piece yet not missing, for always he will be with us, in our memories, our stories, our pictures, and our broken hearts. Always to be included, an integral part of the family, no matter the time, no matter the distance, for always and forever, we will continue to see him where he should be. In fact, where he is, always and forever.
He will be our beloved gift from G-d above, taken back so early, too early. Even as we see him not, yet see him always. As your second yahrzeit approaches, we find you always in our thoughts.
It matters not whether we speak of yesterday or today or tomorrow; the love and the ache are forever.
Saba and I gave you a piece of our hearts to be with you always.
Your parents, your siblings, your other grandparents miss you so and your memories and face are known by your little nephews and niece. Your aunts, uncles, cousins all have that ache within for you.
May your memory be for a blessing.
Yitzy, forever and ever, always in my thoughts, always in my heart.
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