INTERNAL EXAMS

     Nope, not one of those, but one of a different kind or type. This is an exam of introspection, of self examination of our internal selves. Who are we? How have we reached wherever we are? Are we happy with our present internal health or not? Whatever the answer, what do we do about that?
     I am not happy with either the internal state of the people of the country, nor of the country itself, and finally, I am distressed about my own internal status. Together and as individuals, we are overrun with toxicity, of a rare degree and intensity. We are daring to think thoughts, proposals of actions unthinkable two or three years ago, and use language and words of description that would have gotten a mouthwash for our troubles from our parents.
     Most of all I am scared re the level of toxicity in our deeds, words, and wishes. Personally, I remember being told by my parents that while a person might not have earned respect, his/her position might deserve respect and we must behave accordingly, even as we fight to change society. However, things have changed. How do we respect positions when their very occupants disgrace them all by themselves?
     How is it that we have allowed, tolerated, even perhaps encouraged the raving language of the big shots of society? How and why is it that we have allowed the level of hatred to rise so much that we no longer do much  more than shrug shoulders or perhaps wince a bit when Trump comes through with yet another racial negative? How is it that we have allowed the anger level to rise so high that politics is no longer a topic of discussion among friends and family?
     We have developed either a level of tolerance that is too high, making excuses, condoning bad behavior, or we have sunk to a new low, having no more understanding of the intricate and complicated motivations and thoughts of people. We now expect all our past figures to have been perfect, and if not, we tear down even the good that they have done.
     No, I am not advocating rehabilitation of the Confederacy. It is a part of our conjoined history that must be explored, but we must also remember that many little people were drawn in, with or without consent, into a fight which they little understood nor had any part in. We need to understand that so that we avoid any similar situations in the present and future. If you think that we are not at the cusp of another civil war, then look again, listen again, and think again. As far as the statues, get rid of them. I never saw the need for them or for any purpose they served other than as a roost for pigeons or places to meet friends. 
     On the other hand, because Wilson was benighted in a racial way, we must not downplay his building of the League of Nations, which though proving to be powerless, has led us to the UN, also somewhat of a dangerous joke, and somewhere along the line, to another, better, more purposeful and achieving organization that will allow peace to reign and for nations to work together to solve world wide existential issues.
     And no, this does not generate false history. Hitler was horrific, and getting people to work or fixing an economy on the backs of terror is not possible of reformation. Discovering new medical knowledge or techniques after inhumane experimentation upon people held against their will, is not justifiable. Giving land to one group of persecuted people whilst taking that very land from yet another persecuted group is not. 
     Somewhere along the line we took a wrong turn, changed values, gave importance to things that need to have been kept in place or left out altogether. Somewhere along that line we began to lose our self control, ramping up the anger, using strong language, language that often left us no way to go but that same path to hell.
     I count myself among those who have allowed anger in, or perhaps allowed it to rise to a dangerous level, toxic to myself. But even as I reason that Trump and his cohorts are worthy of this anger, so dangerous are they to life and limb, to the survival of the  United States of America as it is supposed to be, so redolent of hatred are they, I despair at the level of anger and blind following of some people whom I love and value. I wonder where all this toxicity has led and where it will go and end - if ever.
     I am so tired of the hate. I am so tired of our valuing of unimportant points such as the color or shade of the outer covering of a human being. We are all human beings, all creations of the same Being, of the same process, and if He deigns to use a varied palette of colors, then who are we to argue against it? Who are we to forget that it is the inner soul, the hearts, that make the most difference, that are most important?
     Have I always thought this way? No, for as I grew up, matured, mixed with people, I began to evolve. I began to wonder about some precepts of society. I understood prejudice and hatred, for I grew up with the parents of friends having tattooed numbers, or families which were missing people, holes in the generations. I understood and understand even more the horrors of hatred, the levels of evil it gives birth to, the excuses it uses to justify it all.
     In all honesty, even as most of the country rises in horror at the most recent replays of times and ideas which should have been long gone, this hatred will continue, certainly in my lifetime. There will be violence on both sides of the divide, not only on racial issues but on societal issues, on divisions as to what is most important or not, correct or not. 
     My internal examination leads me to want to try to eliminate the poison of toxic anger from my life. Yet how is that possible when there remains so much to be done. And yet again, how can I not be so very angry at those who not only perpetuate these immoral behaviorisms and thoughts, but even encourage them to grow and become more powerful, more hateful, even more toxic.
      Certainly the upcoming election and its attendant clamor, accusations, will not be the final answer, will it? There is too much to be done, too much upheaval before we are leaders of and to the world in the right way. Until we can heal ourselves. Until we can teach ourselves how to be well and stay safe and insure that all have that right. Tired of the hate, of the toxicity, yet continue we must. If not for us, then for all the children of the world.