AND I WONDER AND I WONDER AND I WONDER

  To wonder can be a beautiful state of mind. To wonder at the glory of a sunset, to stand in awe before the immense power of rushing waters, of a field of wildflowers, to 'hear' the silence in a huge expanse of land, well, that is a positive state of wonder. A state of wonder which enriches and reminds people of the glories of the universe reminding us that we need to take care of that universe, to allow others to see it generations down the line. There is wonder at every stage of life, from the beauty of watching an infant discover his hands, or a toddler taking that wobbly first step. There is wonder at the vigor and vitality of those at the other end of life, as they share their wisdom and their follies, trying to pass on a lifetime of knowledge. 

However, there is that other side of wonder. That is the wonder of despair. The wonder of why and how terrible things are allowed to happen when it was and is in our power to prevent it. We can wonder about the negligence of man towards the earth. We can wonder at the corruption of people, of the greed and negative postures and traits of too many, especially including those who find themselves in places of power, where they forget their humanity.

Today I wonder at the willful blindness, the voluntary cooperation of so many, particularly of the GOP, especially its leadership, who allowed a madman to run this nation, to take it down paths of darkness. Worse, they denied it all, even as they knew the truth. They allowed fear of a man who could and should have been faced down. A President manifestly unqualified to have that role, to continue in place. Even as they knew his crimes. Even as they knew his madness, his lust for power, his self-indulgent greed to have all, to own all, to command all. Even as the lawyers and staff discussed deposing him, invoking the 25th Amendment. Even as the lawyers flagrantly crossed the line, allowing, even urging violations of the law, both legal and ethical. I wonder - what the hell happened to Americans? Where have all the good people gone?

Peter, Paul, and Mary sang a song of quiet despair, "Where Have All the Flowers Gone", sadness and hopelessness the undertone, as the cycle of life - or death - seemed unconquerable, to remain in place, no matter what. The cycle was never to be broken, at least at the rate we were going.

For years now, I, and others, were lonely voices in the wind, calling out Trump and his evil confederates, pleading with people to see the truth, to avoid the extremes of behavior and thought to which he encouraged them. Even as his egregious sins and traitorous deeds became glaringly clear, right there in front of our very noses, people refused to see the truth, to acknowledge the inevitable end awaiting us at the dead end of the path he was taking, dragging us to lower depths of evil, cruelty, and disloyalty to our nation. 

He invoked hatred as a basis of thought and deed. He encouraged the acidic division of a once united nation, even as it struggled to achieve the most, to correct past errors and false theories of thought. He encouraged the growth of a violent racial, religious bias, where people felt free to indulge their worst thoughts via horrific deeds. And yet, the horrified wonder continues -why were people unable and/or unwilling to see the truth, to acknowledge the emperor's blatant nakedness so obvious, so dangerous, so cruel, so evil.

The latest crisis is the confidential, secret papers of the country, papers which put us in existential danger as a country, and places people who do their job, who fulfill their responsibilities, in danger as well. Yet, the soul stunning wonder continues apace as there remain those, too many, who continue to defend his dastardly misbehavior, to deny the truth, even as the papers stuffed into boxes are carried out, even as anecdotes of his constant reprise - "They are mine!" ring in the air. 

And I wonder. And I despair. And I wonder again, what the hell happened to us? What did we allow, through omission or commission to take place in this once beloved nation of ours. I wondered how, when, and why, this country chose to slide down that slippery slope to fascism, to autocracy, in a nation which once was the leading defender and paradigm of democracy, of respect for all, of a constant attempt to do better, to be better, to fail and try again.

I wonder how I am to pledge allegiance to a flag which was used to beat others, to attempt a coup, to violently betray this nation and its people, as the crazed mob, the horde, ran at the Capitol, bloodshed on their minds, treason in their hearts. A most fear inducing video of it, in warp speed, is available online. Watch it. Feel the horror, to the very marrow of your every bone in your body, how close we came to losing it all. Understand the effect it would have had on your life and the lives of your loved ones. Not good, not good at all.

Most of all, I wonder re the future of this nation. Are we going to be able, to be capable of repairing the horrific rents in the fabric of our national soul? Can we climb that steep slope back to the right and proper? Do we want to? Do we have that will as a once more United States of America to achieve that goal, to fight for it, to firmly avow its truth? Its necessity?

Do we return to a nation where no one is above the law? Where cronyism, downright flagrant violation of the letter and the spirit of our most important and sacred founding documents are strongly rejected? Do we put an end to this dragging on of a battle in a war we are losing, do what we must, and not hide anymore from that truth, from that necessary justice and retribution for crimes against this nation. Truly understand the clear and present danger these people, led and cowed by Trump, clearly traitors to our nation, represented and indeed continue to do so. Unless and until we close the books on this aberrational phase of our history, lock it up so that it can never, ever return. To a time, a nation, where no one will ever have to say this again:

 “I had a top secret clearance. I was an Army officer. If I had done what he did, I would’ve been in jail, 100%. No questions asked." 

Where we will no longer hear that the threat to our survival is not from without, but shockingly, from within. From the very last place we would ever expect.

 "You can't trust this president to do the right thing. Not for one minute, not for one election, not for the sake of our country. You just can't. He will not change and you know it."

Where I take heart and inspiration from these words of Adam Schiff.

"There are a great many people who do feel overwhelmed and who are at the point of despair. But the American people do not have the luxury of despair right now. We have a unique responsibility in this moment to defend democracy when it's at its greatest peril. This is truly a history-making moment."

Where wonder will take on the positive and joyful aspects again and the wonder of horror and disbelief will fade into oblivion. 

I wonder and wonder and wonder. Will it ever?