NOT AS IT SHOULD BE

 Nor as I imagined it would be at this time of my life. Actually, in everyone's time of life. That is when the shorter end of the stick is where one is. Time to think, to look back, to evaluate. Has one's life made a difference - somewhere, anywhere, anyplace, anytime?  What is the bottom-line accounting of one's life?   How will that account measure up to the rather more permanent heavenly one? Shall we be taking the elevator up or down or remain in place, await a further examination.  

How does one even begin to measure the impact of one's life unless one is a noted person of extremely visible influence. How do we determine the value of influence for good or for bad, for positive or for negative, for inspiration or desperation?  In fact, how can we even discern influence, for most often   the consequences of that influence are unknown or take years to be realized. 

Hence, I have given up that task and concentrate more on how I feel life has influenced me and/or in my thinking. Is it what I thought it would be, and comfortable with it? Or has it become something other? If so, what is that other? Am I pleased, concerned, satisfied or feel gut punched? Most important, what value, if any, does it carry or is it simply part of a human's life and natural instincts to take stock at this time of life?

Whatever the answer is or is not, this posting will carry some of my concern at the inevitable ever ongoing stupidity of the human race. It has maintained an almost perfect record in choosing the wrong path, making the erroneous decisions, ever     ignoring or denying the lessons of history clearly laid out before us. Bottom line, I am angry, so very angry. Its partner, worry, follows right along. 

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

That is the last line of Gatsby. Truthfully, I detested that book and read it only under duress, but I have come to value some of its meaning as it appeals to me. That line says it all for me, at least in the current state of thought. I can see no way out, ever. Never. Not unless member nations of this globe turn themselves inside out and adopt new ways of thought, adapt to realities and go fishing in the pond of possibilities and pull up the winner and use the prize carefully. Honestly, do you, does anyone, expect such a thing to happen? Doubt it.

Too many times I now find myself filled with anger, which has no place to go. Where I am angry at people whose thoughts and deeds are of evil. They seek power and profit and the proliferation of hate and war towards those ends. Humanity refuses to understand and value the gift we have been given - this planet. The only one we know of at this point in time that allows for a viable life. Yet we continue to trash it, to value deception and duplicity and reward those most successful in the display and use of these traits. We complain of what is wrong and demand correction, yet we refuse to compromise, to concede, to sacrifice, to work hard towards those goals. We speak always of a better future yet always, if we look ahead, that future is apocalyptic. 

Douglas Preston, in his new book Extinction, most readable, writes of Man going too far, challenging the gods and attempting to be one. Without spoiling the story, the point of the novel and  that which follows, is that our history is one of constant combat and competition, of domination. From the beginning of time, we have engendered constant repetitions of the Tower of Babel where our languages are not the same and we cannot understand, nor want to understand the Other. We   refuse to share. We refuse to live wih each other. And so, we kill each other, only to find that the more powerful in that first conflict finds itself the weaker in the next, and on and on and on it goes. We never learn until it is too late. The consequences are severe and the outlook bleak. 

The one thing we can predict is the recurrence of conflict, of war large and small, whose results are temporary. As the results often are the first step in an ever-ongoing accumulation of perceived wrongs until the temperature of the mountain of them, heats up under its own weight, and it blows. Off to the deadly inevitable races again.

Righteous complaints are drowned out, denied, and countered with other claimed wrongs. No one hears anymore; no one is interested in listening. That would only get in the way of those who will profit from the devastation of war and those who will promise new ways, new victories, spout new prophecies, only to lead the nations to war again. And again. And again.  To refight the already fought and to ensure future refighting. 

Peruse the tomes of history. Study and acknowledge that each war is but a replay of the prior war, and that one a replay of the prior one and that one replaying the prior one. We can follow that tragic tale right back to the beginning of time. Forms of governments may change, as do leaders.  However, what does not change, what is immutable, is the fact that until we find other ways to settle grievances, other ways to discern right and truth from wrong and lies, we will continue to engage in the awful futility of war until  the inevitable death of Mankind. 

The world today? Write a list of current conflicts, large and small, within and without nations. Between random groups and people. For land. For resources. For power. For Hate. Then go back some years and do the same and again and again. Again and again. Compare. 

What the hell is the matter with us?

Will we never learn?

Yes, I am angry. 

Yes, I hate those who perpetuate war.

Yes. I resent those who have built up anger and hate in this world, so much, so always there.

I hate those who have made me hate them.

Most definitely not what I thought I would be thinking at this time of life. Certainly not the 'influencers' we should choose for ourselves.

Not as it should be.