Yesterday morning I picked up the papers and sat down to read them. Suddenly, amazingly coincidentally, I came across a two-page long article re faith and religion and belief. It contained the journey of a well-known opinion piece writer as he sought for something, that necessary but unknown something critical to a better or rather a more complete life, of meaning, for many - and certainly for me. Unknowing of a name for it, unable to be defined in clear and explicit terminology, it remained as a "je ne seis qua" and the quest for it continued unabated.
What was belief? What was faith? What is religion? What is the connection amongst and between all three? Is there a God? Is God paying attention to us? Does the idea of a soul play a role? In his, mine and in the journey of all mankind must we be able to point fingers at some concrete reality? Able to be seen and touched and or heard? Or might we take a step into certainty that there are 'things', credos, tenets, call them by any name, but something - a Being, a Power, in existence, due to the existence of other beliefs or are we fooling ourselves? His thoughts and mine tangled around each other and raged around my head for hours.
As he did, as I often do when seeking understanding and or confirmation of a topic, a thought, an issue, I consulted the words of others. Over the years I have collected the works of many toiling under the weight of questions and answers, the latter definitely more problematic in formation and acceptance - or not. From the rabbinical to the secular, from the famous to the unknown, specifically and randomly, I read them. I chewed them. Some was indigestible. Other parts were more acceptable, but never did I have a coalescing of beliefs and trends of thought firm enough to draw a line under it all and mark it as complete, satisfied with the journey's results.
Over the years and there are many, this quest remained mine, shared with very few. It was too private. Too intense. Too personal, too individualized. Nor did I wish to be faced with outside pressures, to conform or disagree per the direction of others, nor to apply pressure to another to conform with me.
In seeking and questioning, wanting greater clarity in my mind, always there was one item of permanence, developed and well implanted within me after an initial questioning. Was there a Being, a Power, above all and did I fully buy into that idea? Without the completion of that phase, it would have been impossible to continue, to question and answer, to find that which made me stronger, able to remain standing in life in the face of monster winds. and heavy body blows.
I could not have begun or continued further on that journey without the initial question's answer becoming ironclad, concrete and immutable in my mind - there is a G-d, a Power, over all else. That certainty became the foundation stone of my life. It has enabled me to travel further, over miles and miles, ahead, refining and clarifying. Even as I faced challenges and periods of anger at this Being, always that permanence, that Presence, remained as comfort and support beam on this difficult highway of life. It remained firm and steady, attached to the bedrock of life.
These first steps were not taken alone, but rather with the aid of a teacher of an open mind and heart. Who walked and talked with me, through rusty gates and rocky roads. I trusted that teacher. I knew he had a strong faith, had undergone much in his own life. I needed to know why. What was my connection to that faith? Why should I believe in the face of the history my people, seemingly never ending.
There was no condemnation. No disgust. No condescending. No anger. No expressions of disappointment or guilt laying. It was hours and hours of quiet talk and deep thought, challenges. and rewards. And finally, the coalescing. of answers into a unit I could internalize and keep hold of - always. He asked piercing questions while pushing me to my limits, to formulate better, more precisely, to understand the boundaries of my mind. What I could accept and keep with me as I traveled more miles of this lifelong road. To know that over the course of life one's understandings can change, can morph one way or another, back and forth, but always, that one steady belief, will serve as the bearing wall of my life, always there to lean upon, to grasp, to pull myself up from where life had decked me.
The journey had finally reached the First Station of a train route begun way back in 3rd grade. There I first began to question the teachers, the rabbis, for I did not understand nor accept the explanations and the pablum fed to us in response. Why had our forefathers and foremothers behaved and spoken so? It was manifestly wrong. We were children and they were adults so why did they sink to those levels? When I questioned, I was fobbed off. Unfortunately, that remained the status quo for too long. It was only in high school that I found one who would listen with patience, an open heart, an incisive mind, willing to hear and understand and not condemn. More important, this person gave me the courage, the approval, the confidence to carry on. So I have done. And so I continue. For better or worse.
More on the morrow.
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