Why is that life can be great and down in the dumps at one and the same time? Life can be like the best carry-on, with the most advanced wheels gliding over the biggest curbs, the roughest cobblestones, yet meets its waterloo at a tiny, almost invisible minor crack in an otherwise smooth pavement.
This is apparently the first cousin of the high and low points of life where you can be flying on a high and smack right dab straight into a steel pole. Instead of remaining in that high moment, that moment of triumph, of joy, a satisfaction of self-pride, you find yourself down in the dumps. Upset with yourself, at yourself and with the world at large. You have no idea how or why this happened. All you can do is try to regain some kind of even plane and be able to move on with life. Not always so easy to do and in fact, not always successful.
I find that the best things to do at that moment in time is to sit oneself down and take a piece of paper or boot up the computer, use your phone and make a list. Compare the importance, the intensity, and the consequences good and bad and wind it all down. Condense it all. Be honest in approach. Generally, one will find a manageable issue emerging, controllable, where once you had thought the sky was indeed falling and your life was over.
People will advise you to avoid the moments that upset you or punctures the balloon attached to you, the one which kept you flying high and in forward movement. However, one cannot live life that way, for attempting to put oneself in a bubble, shielded from all negativity and concern, will, inevitably flatten and deflate and take the flavor out of those high moments of success and achievement. There must be a comparison and contrast if one is to be able to distinguish between these moments and the emotions connected. Without that, one would be living in a flat, gray, gloomy world void of all that is life, of all that makes us humans rather than automatons or serfs forbidden to have or act upon personal needs, to fulfill goals and meet challenges particular to oneself.
My life at present is fulfilling. At this time I cannot find the words to fully transmit the joy, the pride, and the confusion in which I find myself at present. Put aside any and all health issues, thankful for medical advances and wonderful doctors, which have enabled me to carry on and live a full life. I find most amazing is that at this point in time when life can, would, and even should slow down a bit, more than a bit, I find myself a jet setter, balancing life in two very different countries and cultures. Two very different social circles and contrasting prioritizations. Yet, at the same time I am fulfilling a dream. Literally a lifetime dream once almost fulfilled but shut down by life circumstances of the time, only to be fulfilled unexpectedly and, I must admit, with great trepidation.
How would it be possible to mesh these lives How can I explain to people who questioned this change in life? That at this point in time it was doable. It is doable and hopefully it remains doable long into the future. That is, if my strength, physically, emotionally, along with my financial strength, allows for it. Most important of all is that we do this as a team, for after 58 years of marriage, to 120 shared years, I cannot see doing it any other way. Frankly, I would rather it were possible to remain in one country, but that is impossible. There are powerful ties binding us to both and for as long as possible those tethers will remain intact and attached, giving us both joy and agita, overlapping, meshing and competing.
In one world I live in my birth nation, a nation which once filled me with pride, patriotism and a sense of belonging. I felt I had a home and security, a certainty for a good life, a future for our descendants. I trusted the government and its players though now with a bit more cynicism as I grew older and wiser in the ways of the world. But still, I was able to hang on to many pollyannish, idealistic, hopes and dreams and views even as my disappointments became more numerous and slowly more serious in consequence. Until ...
Until at times I feel that I must scrape the bottom of the dish. Squeeze it in order to get any discernible sense of belonging, of welcome, of optimism. Slowly, then at ever faster pace and fever, the base of life weakened. It began to seep, to ooze, out holes, cracks, ever wider and longer of concerning consequences. That wall of security and certainty that had once encompassed me and my mine, me and my people- Jewish Americans, American Jews - wherever one placed the stress was now almost out of existence or promise. In fact, it has grown to not matter at all, for at present, the strident voices of JewHatred have grown in tempo and viciousness. Calling for the death, the extermination of all that is Jewish or related to that term and its adherents, including Israel and our constant dream thru the millennia to return, to join with those already, always, there, to live within its borders, to fulfill our forever practice of Zionism, an integral part of our religion, a return to our indigenous ancestral land. Zion. Tziyon.
Growing ever more frightened, seeing a diminishing return on our patriotism, our weakening hopes for a future for all, we remembered our dream and it grew ever stronger and seemingly possible. To make Aliyah, to go up to that land, our forever dream now faded, suddenly with a glowing color. Now not a dream but a necessity, for security, for knowing I am welcomed and wanted. A place where it will be my privilege to keep certain commandments unavailable to me when outside the Land.
A dream became a reality and one day we found ourselves walking off a plane and almost immediately given citizenship papers, with a government and a people who welcomed us, immigrants welcomed, with privileges and a huge cohort of people able and willing and directed to smooth out the wrinkles and bumps of change and adjustment.
In one nation I retain my native and, my always, or supposed to be, country of birth and acceptance and welcome. That welcome is freezing over; it's warmth diminishing day by day. JewHatred has become normalized, even encouraged, borders of propriety seriously, already, endangered. Yet, I remain a citizen hopeful that it will return to what is supposed to be, which once tried to be. But a nation at present in the throes of dissolution, JewHaters in top echelons of government, growing in number. A President most manifestly in his personal throes of dementia who, until now, has been good for Israel but who is also notoriously known for his quick veers and changes of policy - what now. wither goes hope.
He is at present also a definite threat to the ethos of America as a democracy, as a strong leader of the free world, as a nation of immigrants, each group contributing to the whole. His government is riddled with corruption and the sourness of it is palpable. The government is replete with people of incompetence, with people who care not for the people they are supposed to serve. They are in positions of power and grow this tumor upon our nation, with no end in sight. It makes lies of my past, the heroism of my grandparents, and the lives and values of my parents, along with the hope she gave me for a future, for my children and their children and their children as well. These are the ties and the hopes for which we keep our citizenship, not giving up on this country. We return to our extended families down to the great-grandchildren and meet up with old friends. To reconnect to an America as it once was.
Israel is a nation of special people, where people must be tough, have to survive in hostile environments. But at the same time they are soft, gentle and caring. What other country takes in their enemies if they are ill. It is a nation held to double standards unfair and impossible to attain and maintain. It is a nation claimed to practice apartheid even as they absorb refugees from all countries of the world: from Burma, from India, from Ethiopia, from Europe, from America, from parts of Asia, from the Arab lands expelled, brutalized. It matters not, for this is the home and haven of and for all Jews.
Where else can one find a people always in a hurry, always running late, but will stop to gently lift, then gently land, a person who needs help getting on or off a bus or a train or a curb. A nation with strangers who will stop to ask if you need help walking up or down the stairs, carrying bundles that appeared to be too heavy and too many. I know that for a fact as I have personally been the beneficiary of such kind deeds. Where the children grow up strong and confident, patriotic, with love for their land, and sure of their lives even as their parents, siblings go to war, for they know they are safe in those hands, encircled by their love.
We were welcomed into a most wonderful community, young and vibrant with some of the most brilliant people I have ever met. It is a place where the voices of children playing outside ring out happy, free, unafraid. It is a community where doors are open to new friends as are the arms of the adults and the children living within.
It is a nation of One People. Do they argue amongst themselves? For sure. Jews argue. Fact. But they are a family. One. Fact. It is a nation plagued by violent and vicious barbaric enemies. It is a nation held to double standards unachievable. And even if achieved, unmaintainable. It is a nation held out as a chosen target of the entire world. So it has been through the millennia, from the past to the present, and most probably well into the future.
But we do not succumb to our enemies. We defeat, we outlive those empires so strong and mighty who wished to destroy us. We are family, no matter how far we are separated, how far we are scattered over the globe. We are confident in our survival. So often challenged in that belief with the reality of its ugliness. But we know that our Lord is with us. Through thick and thin, always to return to our aid in the darkest moments of our history.
Israel is a nation ruled by a corrupt government as is America. They both are plagued by incompetent, uncaring, selfish 'leaders' who mock that title. Two nations which must mend the rents within the fabric of Nationhood. I am confident that Israel will do exactly that, though not without aggravation and family disagreements. However, when push comes to shove, they all believe and know the necessity of this state and set aside in the name of unity and survival. At present it is probably one of the worst times for this nation, but I am confident that it will come to its senses. Remember this nation's importance. A life necessity for us and all the people of our blood.
The United States is a bit more complicated. There is no one family there any longer. Xenophobia, anti-immigrant fever has been ramped up to the highest level. We have forgotten our history. We have forgotten that but for the Lord and our brave ancestors we would be elsewhere or not be at all. It is a nation that has lost its spine. It is a nation that is no longer connected. We have become tribes in warfare. We are disremembering that we are, at least supposed to be, the United States of America.
Both nations need a hero and a true leader. The ranks of our government are now overflowing with crap. Unless we do so and quickly the future grows dimmer.
Both nations must return to what they were and to what they aspired to be. If we lose that motivation and understanding, we will be lost ourselves.
These are my people. These are my nations, good and bad, both troubled at present.
My dream. My nightmare.
Highs and lows.
Life.
So it has been, so it is, and so it will most likely be.
Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.
For as long as G-d gives me and the world strength to do so.
No comments:
Post a Comment