That is exactly what I did yesterday or at least tried to, with a great deal of success. Unexpectedly free from that was supposed to be, I indulged myself and gave tired me a vacation day. No one knew I was here other than family. And so, I ran with that idea, shutting and shunting requirements and demands aside, other than the writing of my daily blog. I knew what was good for me, that I should do - but did not. The guilt was blessedly joyous. By the end of the day, I felt 100% refreshed and rejuvenated. Playing hooky can be beneficial.
As anyone with PD will tell you, daily exercise is of crucial importance. Be that as it may, it is exhausting. One has to fight with a rather reluctant body growing ever more reluctant every single day, every hour by hour. It takes lots of hard work. Lots of concentration. Lots and lots of mind over matter to keep oneself going and to do all that the therapist asks you to do. Always present is the cold standing outside of oneself, examining, filleting the activities of the day. Analyze. Was there an improvement? Regression? Possibly a plateau reached. Did I do my best? Or did I wimp out at some point? It is a demand to be cold hearted in the evaluation of the bottom line of the day. Am I doing damage to myself by not engaging in the rigorous physical exercise and demands that I generally do each and every day, walk the stairs again?
Truthfully speaking yesterday, I didn't care. I needed to put me first. Irresponsible? Possibly. Probably. But I really didn't care. I so needed a me day. A day where I could read the paper in peace. Do the crossword puzzle in both papers. Catch up on things that I had delayed, and then hobbies a tad neglected. Take up a book I have been wanting to read. Sitting in my chair and reading. The only interruption are calls from children and good friends.
Bottom line - by the end of the day I was almost a new person. What is more I intend to do exactly the same today. Only this time I will have more time to maybe watch some program, wallow in the fun of Antique Roadshow, finish the book and start another, pick up brushes and paints, do some woodwork long postponed, or even take a blessed nap! And as I greet the end of the day, indulge myself. with a piece of chocolate and a scoop of ice cream. It doesn't get better than that.
Actually, it could get better, and it did get better. We received one of our favorite gifts, a video of a great grandson meeting the world afresh. Open for new experiences and absolutely carefree and excited with every discovery. The latest adventure was the greeting he gave to a bug crawling along the sidewalk. Oh, the questions he asked of that bug or buggy. He informed the bug when it was time for it to leave, for he had to leave too, going goodbye. When that buggy did not listen, it received a bit of a tongue-lashing and then joy of joys as that little bug began to move. The excitement with that little boy. Now that is truly something that nothing can top. That recalcitrant buggy finally began to actually walk and oh, the shouts of ecstasy and joy.
The clear innocent joy of a little one is a dose of the most effective medicine we all need to have every single day. Maybe two times, three times a day. Those sweet smiles. That reborn enthusiasm every day. That little boy, all the little children of the world, do not understand the precarious state of the world. It bothers them not. They know not. It's simply not a part of their world. Who is part of that world? Hopefully all of the loving adults that surround that child, siblings, toys to discover and use, and watch those tentative steps to the outside world, to watch them as they gravitate toward the other little person in the room rather than all the Giants, who usually surround that child.
Into that day of escape, every once in a while, sidles in the creeping, crawling veins of aggravation, of concern, of grief and of guilt. How could I set aside a day like this when there are others suffering so. When I know both my countries are under siege from inner and outer pressure. As I try to look ahead, I see no signs of positive growth other than the negativity and danger in divisive tactics and words and violence. Can my guilt lead to anything good? I already am doing what I can, but it is never enough, is it? I need to understand that a day away will invigorate me to do more, try more, to go on into another day. Another battle. Another blog. Another discussion morphing into an argument with those who will not see the truth.
In fact, I actually cannot blame those who refuse to see the truth for quite frankly, the truth is ugly and discouraging. Perhaps it is the chemicals we ingest. The pollutants we inhale. The contaminated water we drink. But it seems that humanity is not evolving in the way that it should. In fact, it often seems to be devolving. As much as we know or think we know we set that all aside and quickly revert to primitive, cruel actions and statements. Those actions cannot be undone. Those words cannot be unspoken. Efforts to remedy the harm might help, but the wound remains. It scabs over. Scars over. Every so often it aches, reminding us of what was. And we simply do not let it go. We keep it within us. Let it churn away and bubble forth.
No. Nope, nope. I am putting all this away. Going to seek my book. See if the papers have been delivered and take another day off. Today the world is stopping for me and allowing me to get off. To tamp down on the guilt. To wallow in the guilty joy. And yes, the selfish joy of tuning the world out, dropping out for the day. Ah, the bliss as I count the hours till my chocolate.
Have a good day. Take a chill pill. Take a chill hour. Take a chill day. Take a mental health day. Return much, much better after that day. The world needs such a day, week, year, decade.
---------------------------------------------------------Yitzy, sweet boy, this is the first day in quite some time that I believe I can include you in my blog. Most of the ugliness of the world has been kept out today. A good day to look at real pictures and scroll through others. From baby till time of loss and all that has happened in between. Sweet boy, you are always with us. Our love will always encompass you and keep you warm and safe.
Always and forever. Always and forever.
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